Which is better, being right or being at peace? My husband and I just recently celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. Through the years we’ve had our share of arguments and disagreements. We have a joke about remembering the address of our first apartment. He insisted he was right about the street number and I insisted I was right about it. One year when we went back to the apartment and visited we discovered who was right, and every time I turn out to be right about something, he repeats the address – just an inside joke that he acknowledges sometimes I am right.
In the middle of a conflict with a friend or loved one it is easy to lose perspective and forget this question of being right or being at peace. It can mean the difference between nurturing a relationship and damaging it. And with practice you can create healthy relationship habits that carry through even the toughest of times.
Here are three simple tips for coping with conflict:
Keep the conversation solution-centered.
Many times in an argument both people push each other to only see the problem – one person harps on a mistake or a bad habit, and the other person becomes defensive of their behavior. Instead focus on positive solutions that will minimize drama and place you and your loved one on the same team, not pitted against each other. Sometimes agreeing to wait and discuss the issue at another time when each person has ad a chance to calm down, think about the problem and possible solutions or compromises, and come back to discuss it at a later time.
Conflicts repeat themselves.
Many arguments grow from a reoccurring conflict. Perhaps you and your loved one fundamentally disagree on a sensitive subject, or they handle situations differently and it rubs you the wrong way. Engrained differences in character and perspective can lead to a loop of endless arguments. Fighting about it again and again does not usually resolve the root of the problem.
Try bringing the conversation to the next level – acknowledge that you both may never be on the same page about the issue.
How can you create a pattern that’s productive and supports the relationship? Is one of you willing to compromise on this problem? Or perhaps you can agree to trade-off so one person isn’t carrying the entire burden of the problem.
Forgiveness.
Sincere forgiveness can be a tremendous relief and a simple strategy to overcome conflict. Remember everyone is human, makes mistakes, and comes into their relationships with a different perception of the world and their place in it. Take your entire relationship with this person into consideration and ask, “Is focusing on this conflict good for me? Will the relationship progress with this conflict?” If the answer is no, simple forgiveness might be the answer.