To show up in the world as the best and healthiest version of YOU, you need to not only take care of yourself but love yourself wholeheartedly. It all starts with you! It’s all about self-love, self-compassion, being kind, and cultivating softness toward yourself. And you, my friend, are about to become an expert on the topic. In order for you to be bursting and overflowing with love from within, it begins inward.
Self-love is not selfish, and just like the quote says, you – as much as anybody else in the entire universe – deserve your love and affection.
So, let’s dive in, shall we?
1 Quit People Pleasing
The first lesson toward deep self-love is quitting people pleasing. As the eldest of four children I wanted everything to go well for my hard working, loving parents, so I worked hard to make things pleasant for everyone else. I also saw many of the women around me, people please. I grew up in an Irish-Catholic household with a huge focus on family and loads of “should.” You “should” all go outside and get fresh air. You “should” wear certain clothes and act a certain way when we are at church. You “should” say “yes”, not “yeah”. This word was drummed into me for as long as I can remember. So naturally, because this is what I saw, this is what I copied.
As a teen people pleaser, I was also subject to peer pressure, just doing what the crowd was doing, ignoring my intuition to be liked and accepted. When dating, and early in my marriage, I continued to be a people pleaser, ignoring my own needs. It took me a long time well into adulthood to learn to respect my needs and ask for what I need.
It’s super important to note that saying no doesn’t mean you have to be forceful or rude. It can totally be done with love. One of the most powerful sentences you can say is, “No, thank you.” Or “Thank you so much for the offer, but I am going to have to pass.” You don’t need to give an explanation if you don’t want to, and you don’t need to justify your Truth. You do, however, need to honor your Truth! There is always a price to pay when you ignore your Truth.
Put this idea into action…
Think of a time when you have done something for someone because you thought you should. How did you feel? Jot it down.
Now think of a time when you have done something for someone just because you wanted to? How did that make you feel? Jot it down.
Reflecting on what you wrote, can you feel the difference? It’s a very different energy when you do something because you think you should versus doing it because you simply want to out of love and kindness. It’s so much more impactful and meaningful. The same applies when someone does something for you – if they genuinely want to do it, YOU can feel the difference, too.
2. Judge No More
Whether we’re aware of it or not, from the moment we wake up to the moment we put our head on our pillow at night, we are judging – both ourselves and others. Some of my internal judgments used to sound like this: Your thighs are too big. That dress makes your hips look wide. You shouldn’t eat that.
Judgments can also be extended to others: She’s wound up. What does he see in her? I can’t believe she said that! I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t say that.
Can you relate to any of this? If so, I’m about to drop a truth bomb on you:
Everything is a reflection of us, and what you judge in others, you are ultimately judging and not fully owning within yourself.
Take a moment now to think about a time when you judged someone else. What did that trigger within you? What are you not owning or looking at within yourself? What are you projecting onto others?
Much like people pleasing, the two major steps in quitting judging are awareness and wholeheartedly deciding that you want to live a judgment-free life.
3. Let go of Comparisons
Comparison is the thief of joy and will rob you of deep inner happiness.
Are you someone who compares yourself to others, whether it’s someone you know or a complete stranger on social media? If so, I am going to teach you how to let go of comparison once and for all.
Knowing your triggers is vital to combat comparison. What are the things that trigger you to compare yourself?
Is it social media, a particular person at work, going to the gym, your neighbors house, or watching TV? Write down all the things that trigger you to compare yourself to others. Now, I want you to ask yourself, “Why is this triggering me? What is it about X that’s making me compare myself?”
Often, comparison creeps in when we are not overflowing with self-love. When I’m feeling confident, content, grounded, centered, and worthy, comparison doesn’t even enter my consciousness.
Knowing your triggers is really important for two reasons. First, so that when you’re not feeling your best, you can remove them. Get off social media and get your nose out of the magazines, and sit with yourself instead. That’s not to say you can never go social media scrolling again, it’s just that when you’re feeling “at risk” of “comparisonitis” – when your resolve isn’t as strong and your heart’s not as overflowing as it could be – it’s better to remove yourself.
The second reason is because your triggers can reveal a lot about you. Investigate why those particular things are triggering you, because there will be nuggets of wisdom in there for you. Next time you catch yourself comparing you to someone else, do two things: Remove yourself from the trigger, then ask “What is this triggering within me and why?” Then let it go and come back to Love.
4. Eradicate Expectations
What kind of expectations have you placed on yourself in the past? Having the perfect relationship, set of friends, great job, perfect family, clothes, etc. Exhausting, huh?! Expectations are another game that you don’t need to play. Expectations keep you stuck in fear, but you can live expectation free. It’s a choice, and the choice is always yours!
Who are the five most prominent people in your life? This might be your partner, parents, sibling, colleague, and/or best friend – whoever it is for you, write down their names. Now, next to each name, write down all the expectations you have for each of those people. Don’t be shy here. Let it rip! Ask yourself what happens when one of those people doesn’t fulfill one of your expectations that you have placed on them? You’re disappointed and angry. Same goes with the expectations we place on ourselves.
Disappointment only occurs when one of your expectations has not been fulfilled.
So whose fault is it? Most likely, the other person is completely oblivious to the expectations you’ve placed on them, so the only person that needs to take responsibility here is you! It’s a tough pill to swallow, I know. But when you wholeheartedly commit to eradicating your expectations on yourself and others, you will experience a much deeper love in all your relationships.
Instead of placing expectations on your partner to do the dishes and take out the trash, simply practice Crystal Clear Communication (aka CCC) with him. Instead of wanting your kids, family, or friends to act and show up a certain way, or do things the way you desire, eradicate your expectations and simply allow them to show up as their true authentic selves. Instead of expecting yourself to look a certain way, simply take the action steps daily to nourish your body, mind, and spirit. Show up every day from a place of love and let go of your fear-based expectations. Life is a lot more enjoyable when you’ve got no expectations, so let’s commit to eradicating them once and for all.
5. Let Go of Your Past, Get Out of the Future, and Be Fully Present!
Do you have any stories from your past that you keep telling yourself? Maybe it’s something to do with your health? Maybe you have a money story that you picked up from your parents? Or maybe it’s about your parents’ divorce? Write down all the stories you are still letting play out in your life right now.
I know it can feel challenging to let go of the stories we have built our identities around, but you already know in your heart that they are no longer serving you. And in order for you to experience deep love with yourself and others, you have to open wide and let them go – that creates space for new stories and new truths. In order for you to experience overflowing self-love, you must aim to live without stories from the past and future and instead reside in the present moment. This is where the magic happens. Be in the here and now – the only moment that truly exists.
6. Dial Up Your Worthy-O-Meter
How worthy you feel is reflected in all areas of your life. There was a time in my life when I wasn’t too sure of my worthiness.
Today I feel like a ten out of ten on the worthy-o-meter scale. I feel deeply worthy of all the love, joy, and happiness I am experiencing within. I know I am worthy of that which is unfolding in front of me, and I know I am worthy of whatever my heart desires. But these shifts only took place after I got conscious about my self-worth and got serious about dialing up my worthy-o-meter. Here’s how you can do the same – fast!
Worthiness is a choice – your choice!
How worthy do you feel right now? Are you a four or are you a ten on the worthy-o-meter scale?
No matter where you are, know that you can decide to dial it back up right now. It’s a choice – your choice, my sweet friend – and you deserve to feel bursting with worthiness in every moment...even if the voice in your head tells you otherwise.
7. Go Inward
Sure, you can look for helpers and healers, but you are your own best guru!
No one knows YOU better than YOU. No one knows how you’re feeling deep within or what’s really going on with you. You can try and articulate it as best you can, but no one will really understand what it’s like to be in your skin. Which means you are your own best guru. Not a healer, not a doctor, not a robe-wearing, aura-seeing, sermon-giving swami...YOU! Now this might sound scary, but it shouldn’t – it’s exciting! It means you hold all the power. I firmly believe you have the resources you need, within you, if you can get quiet, go inward, and listen.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you can’t seek support from others – I am all for support. And I highly encourage you to reach out and get it whenever you feel the desire. You don’t have to do life alone. But often, simply sitting with yourself and your journal will help dissolve the “issue,” and you may even come to a resolution on your own.
When you make the decision to go inward, connect with your Truth, and really get to know yourself, you will uncover the answers to all your questions. There is no other way.
That said, if you’re anything like me, you’re often too full to stop and connect and go inward, right? Well, tell me this: Are you too full to be happy? Going inward and connecting with your true self doesn’t have to take hours. All it takes is a few minutes of presence. Close your eyes and go inward. Connect with how you’re feeling and what’s coming up for you. Once you are done, you can journal about your experience if you like. That’s it! Easy-peasy.
Meditation is the quickest, easiest, and cheapest way to go inward. When you start your day with a few minutes to connect with yourself, your day will unfold very differently. When you do this, you are basically saying to the Universe, “I honor myself, I truly love myself, and I matter.” Don't just say it, believe it.
8. Date Yourself
You have to become your own best friend. You can’t expect anyone else to love you if you don’t love yourself.
Try any of the following ways to date your beautiful self:
· Have a bath with Epsom salts, coconut oil, and a few drops of lavender essential oil. Dim the lights, maybe have some soft meditation music playing in the background, and tell everyone you live with “do not disturb”!
· Lie on the beach with a good book (or not) and feel the sun on your skin.
· Take your favorite rug to the park, along with a book, a podcast, or your journal. Or you could simply stare up at the sky and ponder!
· Get dressed up and take yourself out to lunch or dinner alone and fully BE there, not on your phone.
· Pop an herbal tea in a stainless-steel bottle and take yourself to see a hilarious rom-com at the movies.
· Go to the beach or park to watch the sunrise or sunset (sans phone).
· Cook your favorite dish for yourself.
· Take yourself on a solo hike (keep your phone on airplane mode – use it for emergencies only!).
· Go to your favorite yoga class, then out for an herbal tea at the local cafe, and simply revel in your own company.
Using this list as inspiration, write down ten things you love doing alone. Be as specific as possible. Once you have your list, stick it somewhere you can see it. Each week, put a reminder in your to-do list or phone to book a date with yourself. Then when the reminder pops up, pick something from your list and schedule it in your calendar. Don’t just say “I’ll do it later,” because most likely your self-love date won’t happen. If you want to be bursting with love and up your self-care, taking yourself on love dates is key.
9. Quit Making Excuses
I don’t have enough time, that it’s too hard, that it’s too expensive, I should be doing something else, other people will judge me, I’m a bad mom/sister/friend/whatever for taking time out for myself... Whatever your deepest, darkest fears are about yourself, don’t let those voices convince you to make another excuse. Take the time to learn how to love yourself.
Here’s a quick three-step process for ignoring the voice that causes you from loving yourself, those automatic negative thoughts (ANT’s). It goes like this…
1. Practice awareness. Become aware of when your negative voice pops up and tells you that you’re not good enough, thin enough, whatever enough. Most times we are so unconscious and not present that we aren’t even aware of her internal dialogue, so bringing your awareness to her words is the first step.
2. Gently close the door on negative thoughts. Once you are aware of the negative voice, you can now choose to catch those ANT’s. It’s not about fighting them or waging an inner battle – that’ll just cause more pain and suffering. Instead, it’s a gentle, grateful act that comes from a place of love.
3. Choose love instead. Once you have caught those ANT’s, choose to come back to your heart and choose love instead of fear. It’s so much more fulfilling when you do.
Mastering your inner unhelpful negative thoughts isn’t just important so you are overflowing with love within yourself; it’s also imperative if you want to experience deep love in all your relationships.
There you have it! Nine Self-Love Lessons you can master! Have fun with them, don’t take it too seriously, and – most important of all – remember that you are not broken and you are worthy of feeling infinite love within yourself. It IS your birthright because you are LOVED!
If you want to chat about self-love, or your overall healthy, happiness, and wellness, let's connect! coaachmaryellen@outlook.com
Adapted from IIN’s Self Love Guide